I’ve been in my head again as of late, as an intellectual writer-type is wont to do. Per my birthright as an Anxious Queen™, that intellectualizing has degenerated into worrying about a veritable medley of concerns, both within and beyond my control.
High on the worry list is my truest and deepest-rooted fear, my old nemesis, Self-Doubt. She’s cranky, crusty, and judgmental, and even though she’s not someone I’d aspire to be, I somehow find myself – time and again – listening with rapt attention to every shady thing she says about me:
- Oof, you sure you can pull that outfit off?
- Really? You think anyone wants to read what you have to say?
- *scoffs* God, you look awkward trying to shoot a basket. You never were one for sports, so why are you even bothering?
- Maybe you should quit while you’re ahead.
Sure, she’s saying these things while melting into a couch, covered in Cheeto dust, and she’s not exactly a glowing example of achievement herself – but I mean, maybe she’s right?
Self-Doubt Freakin Sucks – So Why Do I Still Go There?
That’s the thing about self-doubt and other esteem-related maladies. Even if we don’t trust the source of these insulting opinions, we’re so familiar with the accompanying feelings of uncertainty and shame that we believe they must be true.
For the Chronic Self-Doubter, criticizing oneself is so second nature that it goes beyond a useful tool for evaluation and improvement, mutating into ruminating, frozen inaction. Paralyzed by concerns of failure, rejection, or both, we often avoid making changes or pursuing goals. Safer to stick to the status quo than risk any of that shit, our brain says, ever-geared to avoid pain. The comfort of what we know is alluring. It holds more of a tangible appeal than the unknowns of trying something new.
Even if we’re highly structured people with a demonstrated track record of achievement, self-doubt has a way of weaseling into our plans for growth and convincing us to just let the dream go. No matter how regimented or well-practiced we are, once self-doubt creeps in, it’s hard to shake that bone-deep sense of apprehension.
How To Move Through Self-Doubt
Here’s the good news: Once we’re aware that self-doubt – that creepy-crawly sense of “I just can’t” – is at play, we are presented with a window for change. To quote writer Julia Cameron:
‘I’m afraid’ is always what stands between us and [our goals]. When people talk about “discipline,” they are really talking about “how do I get past ‘I’m afraid’?
When we look at self-doubt from this perspective, the conversation with ourselves shifts from “Why aren’t I capable of doing this?” to “What fear do I have that’s keeping me stuck here?”. It’s a small but powerful change that has the power to move us from a sense of disheartened inability to a self-compassionate and workable awareness.
How can we work with this? Glad you asked, cause I’ve got a 5-step plan for you!
- Prime your mind to feel capable by reflecting on all the ways you have succeeded in the past: What have you accomplished that you’re proud of? Big or small, spend some time recognizing your successes. Try to set aside any qualifiers (“I accomplished x but…”) and just stick to the achievements themselves.
For example, I have published two research papers. I’ve taught myself how to make delicious vegan food. And I am a great navigator and can traverse new places with ease and confidence. - Recognize that self-doubt is human, and that we’re our own harshest critics: Being mired in self-doubt can feel very isolating. However, it’s something that nearly everyone struggles with from time to time. You’re not alone – this is a very unifying experience, and you will get through it.
- Become affectionately familiar with your fears: The operative word here is “affectionately” – being able to kindly recognize what freaks you out without being judgey is key. Any time you unearth a worry, extend it some self-compassion. Get close and comfy, and try to see it down to the root.
Are you worried you’ll look stupid (like me, attempting to play basketball twenty years after a socially traumatic run-in during gym class)? Are you concerned that nobody is going to read your blog post and the work will have been in vain (clearly nothing I am familiar with 🙃)? Why do these things feel so off-putting? Is it a worry about wasting valuable time that you could be spending doing something else?
A super-simple exercise is to just allow the fear to be – “I’m worried that if I can’t make the basket, I’ll be laughed at and will feel rejected. That makes sense, anyone would feel that way about being rejected.” It may feel silly at first, but fake it til you make it. - Identify stuff you can do to help alleviate these fears – then do those things: Recognizing our needs and tending to them helps us to feel capable, rather than powerless to the whims of our doubts. Of course, we can’t control every aspect of the things that scare us, but that’s not the point. The idea here is to take the edge off of these fears so that our goals feel more doable.
Back to the sports example above, I know that reducing the importance of “looking stupid” is central to my being able to actually enjoy playing a sport. I tell myself that being a beginner means I’m not going to be good, and that’s okay. Furthermore, I probably don’t want anything to do with people who think I look stupid for failing to land a sports-maneuver, so who cares what they have to say? - Keep on practicing any time you notice self-doubt creeping in: The key to solidifying a new behaviour is repetition, right? So keep it up. This shit is going to feel cringey at first because it’s new.
Remember, when you’re used to sheltering in place and not attempting stuff that you might not get perfect right away, there will be discomfort. But it’s the discomfort of growth, and you will survive it. And if it’s not tolerable, if it feels like too much, you have the ability to step back and take a break.
In a callback to the last Tarot Tuesday post, it’s the little incremental things that build the foundation for a better relationship with ourselves. These small behavioural practices take effort, but are quick, accessible practices we can do every day. If you keep at it, it will become second nature in no time.
And give yourself a high five – working on this sort of shadowy stuff is no small feat, and you’re doing it!
How To Overcome Self-Doubt Using Tarot: A Spread
Today’s tarot spread encourages reflection by bringing us face-to-face with our doubts so we can examine them head-on – to evaluate, rather than ruminate. To help make this exercise easier it will look at one challenge at a time, but you can revisit this spread as many times as you’d like to help work through these baddies.
- What have I accomplished that makes me feel capable?
- How can I extend compassion to my sense of self-doubt?
- What fear locks me into self-doubt?
- What can I do to help alleviate this fear, so I can move through self-doubt?
- How can I tend to the discomfort that comes with trying something different?
xo,
Jodie